Tue, July 29, 2003 10PM

// March 10th, 2010 // From the forthcoming book "Losing Steve: One Mother's Journey Through Grief"

This last week has been like living in a haze. I go on about my days with a vague understanding of my loss, then like a kick to the stomach, it hits me again. The pain washes over me like an ocean wave that pulls me under, threatening to hold me there and then it eases back. I am standing in the water, wave after wave, knocking my feet out from under me as I look toward the shore, wishing I can stand on the solid ground again. I have been told that I will get there but right now I don’t see how that is possible. Right now I just want to let the waves pull me out to sea….

Sometimes it feels like he’s sitting right outside on the porch having a smoke, then my mind flashes on the blue sheet pulled up to his chin. I see myself watching all color fade from his lips and face. I can still feel his cool forehead on my lips the last time I kissed him goodbye.

Sometimes I remember, but sometimes I KNOW. He has gone away so many times before only to come back ~ Iowa, Colorado, Tennessee, the hospital. So why should this absence be any different? Well, we all know it is. Our next reunion will not take place on this familiar ground. This time it is we who will have to go to meet him.

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