September 4, 2003

// March 30th, 2010 // From the forthcoming book "Losing Steve: One Mother's Journey Through Grief"

I have had such a compulsion to eat lately and I am gaining weight. Unfortunately I’ve regained most of the 30 pounds I lost earlier this year. I know I need to do something about it and have talked to God but for some reason I just can’t let it go. Before I pop that sweet into my mouth I forget how bad it’s going to make feel later. How can I forget that I’m going to get a headache and feel shaky, cranky, and depressed???

Last November I knelt down and finally admitted to God that I don’t want to give up my eating habits. I fully enjoy the flavors and textures of these foods that are killing me. The only way for me to make any change will be for Him to TAKE from me what I cannot GIVE Him. As I stood up from that prayer, my desire for sweets was gone. And I didn’t want any for a few months after. Then one day, at a birthday party in April, I think it was, I thought “It won’t hurt to have a little.” So I had just a little piece of cake. The next “little piece” of something didn’t take much self convincing. By May, I was back to my old habits and now I am worse than ever. I have no idea what is going on, I just want to eat all of the time! I am living proof of free will. God doesn’t force His will on us, even when we ask for it.

I know that I’ll feel better when I again let God take this compulsion from me. It’s not mine anymore! Why do I still eat like an addict!?

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