November 4, 2004

// January 27th, 2011 // Uncategorized

I have just been instructed (by my current bible study) to give my battles up to the Lord. In Him there is victory. I’m usually very good at this. I have learned to tenaciously hold on to my faith through many difficult opportunities throughout my life. Trials build faith as we watch God fight for us, provide for us, and repair our way. But I have lately been fighting a battle I hadn’t realized is a battle, within myself. I have been giving in to sorrow and regret. I am often plagued with memories of things I should have done differently with Steve.
One afternoon about eight months before he died we were talking about eulogies, using the funny form of the word (“u-goo-ga-lies”) from the movie “Zoolander”. I told him that as oldest son he would have to give a lovely speech at my funeral. He said, “Mom, you know I won’t be around for that. You can do one at mine.” What had been a playful conversation was turning into a stark reality that I wasn’t ready to face. I insisted that he would be around for mine and refused to entertain the idea that he wouldn’t, cutting off a perfect opportunity to discuss his limited future. I think I even got up to walk to another room to put an end to the discussion.
Text book denial. What gems might have come from this missed serendipitous conversation? Would he have been able to expose his heart? To share some side of himself that instead he had to keep buried to protect me from having to face his reality. The reality came anyway and a piece of Steve he could have shared with me remained his burden to bear alone. Now I carry a burden. The burden of knowing that I cheated him out of an opportunity to open up and perhaps to lighten his load just a little. I have to give this battle to God. It is my only path to victory over these spears that continually stab at my heart. In this victory I can live a life to honor the memory of Steve and give glory to God. I know that God and Steve have forgiven me, now I need to forgive me. Or, do I need only to accept God’s forgiveness? Whatever—I give this battle up to God. In him is my complete victory over deep sorrow and regret

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