January 1, 2004

// May 26th, 2010 // From the forthcoming book "Losing Steve: One Mother's Journey Through Grief"

By the time December has reached its mid-point, I usually think about how quickly time passes. “Where has the year gone?”, I’ll often wonder aloud.

This year Robyn’s birthday kind of sneaked up on me. Oh, I knew it was coming, along with New Year’s Eve. On December 20 I realized we had some party planning to do, but I didn’t have that confounded feeling I usually have as a year grinds to an end.
When my mom called this morning to wish us a happy new year, the topic of course got around to the past year and I mentioned my lack of feeling that the last year flew by. “I know where every day of last year went!” I told her. “I have felt every single day of it.”

This afternoon Jae and I were talking about the new year and she said “You know what Mom, I feel relieved a new year is here. Two-thousand-three was horrible! I couldn’t wait for it to be over!”
Yes! That’s it! I feel relieved! Forgive me, Steve, please.
A new year, a new beginning. Keep moving forward.

On the other hand, as I look back on last year I feel as though I’m leaving Steve behind there. Very odd, yet somehow, in a very small and strange way, liberating. I can keep on keeping on.

My heart is still heavy but moments are creeping into my days that I do feel happy again… though not the same kind of happy I used to feel.

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