August 5, 2003

// March 11th, 2010 // From the forthcoming book "Losing Steve: One Mother's Journey Through Grief"

This is my first full day alone since Steve died. Every day since Nett and Chris left I’ve been occupied with kids, appointments, or errands. Amy planned this whole day for me. She has taken Kirstie, Kyle, Robyn and the Knowles kids to the beach for the morning. After the beach she plans to take Sam, Toni, Alex, and Dominic home, but keep Robyn with her for the afternoon. She said she’ll bring her home by dinner time.

My daughter Amy thinks that in all my busyness I’m doing the one thing I don’t want to do, pushing Steve aside. In her opinion a full day of crying in bed will do me good. So I have had some of that this morning. Still am, I guess. But I desperately feel the need to get moving. To move on. But I don’t want to move on because that means leaving him behind! But what else can I do? I can and will always carry him with me but right now the weight of it is crushing the breath out of me. I feel I have to push it off.

But I don’t want to.

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