August 31, 2004 10:45 PM

// October 19th, 2010 // From the forthcoming book "Losing Steve: One Mother's Journey Through Grief"

I just fully realized that I haven’t felt deeply connected to people or activities like I used to. I feel superimposed onto a screen playing the movie of my life. I care, I care for, I participate, but not with the enthusiasm and joy of life that I used to feel. It’s so hard to explain. I’m not uncaring about my loved ones. I care. I hurt with them when they hurt. And I can be deeply hurt by them. But something is grossly different. I feel detached from everyone and everything around me. I don’t even feel connected to me lately.

I’m not sure when this started or how long I’ve felt this way. After Steve died there was a long time of deep intertwining with all of our family. I remember feeling connected to them at my marrow. I don’t think pinpointing the onset of this disconnection matters but I do think integrating the “two Debbies” will help solve this inconsistency. We both need to feel the same thing at the same time. I cannot fully live while depending on another entity, even though it’s just another me, to carry my difficult emotions for me. I have to do the feeling of the bad stuff myself or I may never be able to feel the good stuff either.

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