August 19, 2004

// October 8th, 2010 // From the forthcoming book "Losing Steve: One Mother's Journey Through Grief"

A few days ago I noticed that there are only a few blank pages left in my journal. It’s time to start a new one.
But this idea is somewhat troubling. This book has seen me through so much ~ my first airplane flight, a wonderful vacation to the Caribbean with Dave, Janiece, and Robyn, and then the terror and grief of losing Steve. I have poured so much of myself into these pages, it feels like I am losing another friend.
But today Kaiser was hosting a book fair and I found the perfect journal to stand in for my exhausted friend.

This impending change makes me wonder ~ where do I want to be as I fill in the last pages of this next journal? Fit, trim and uber organized! OK, that’s quite a stretch but I can dream!
I can certainly hope that our patios and garden areas are finished. That the front bathroom is finished and that the new kitchen floor and counters have been installed.

I can’t really ask for more than I already have but I can surely ask to be more than I am….especially spiritually. I know I need to energize my prayer and study life.

Physically I want to weigh 135 pounds and get my blood pressure within normal limits, without medication. I want to be able to run during part of my 3.5 mile daily walk, and be able to breathe deeply and comfortably when I exercise or, dare I say….climb at Solid Rock Gym? Sure! Why not??

I want to be more active in my friendships. I am so tired of all the losing of the last few years. So many of my close friends have moved to other states. But I need to stay focused on what is still here around me. I want to plan some outings, morning dates, or maybe even exercise together.

In my family, I want to see us remain close in these tumultuous times. To hold my dear grandchildren and read to them from their parents’ favorite story books. I want to help Robyn through her first year of high school.
There’s so much more on my boy-do-I-need-changing list but I am truly looking forward to the future!

From 2010 ~
Well, as usual, I bit off more than I could chew in my hopes and dreams! But some things have been accomplished….

The patios are finished, but the gardens still need work.
The front bath room has been finished for a long time now, a remarkable improvement over the 1970s décor that was in there!
In the kitchen, the floors and counters have been replaced, but there is still much to do before the room is complete.

My health goals are slowly being met. I’m surely not 135, and wonder if I ever will be. But I’m not 185 anymore either! I am smack dab in the middle. I can walk five miles fairly comfortably and breathe deeply…..aaaaah!

In the realm of family and friends, the year 2006 was a rough one for us. Those entries will come and will likely be painful to write. But it was what it was and we are good now….better than before, with deeper connections and stronger hearts. I am grateful for my family every day and am blessed to say….I not only love my children but I also like them and spending time with them enriches my life!

My friendships, however, have not fared as well. There are still a few people that I can call on for anything and who can call me. But when it comes to that face to face time, we are sorely lacking. I know God still has lessons for me to learn. I am a willing, if sometimes dense student and look forward to finally grasping the lesson and moving forward.
I am thankful for the friends that have stood by my side and not let me completely hide myself away in my pain!

Peace be with you….
Deb

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