August 13, 2004

// September 28th, 2010 // Uncategorized

Woke up to an amazing thunder storm at 5:30 this morning.WOW! They are so rare here in San Diego so I always appreciate it when we get a good one like this!
I’ve been particularly weepy lately. But not the sitting-in-the-bottom-of-a-dark-hole type of depression I’ve had in the past. Just weepy and sensitive. After giving it some thought I realize that this is the real me again. I’d been on mood altering meds for three years or so before quitting. I would like to maintain that calm, easy-going part of me that the medication revealed and I’m not looking forward to being the easy crier that I have always been. But I want even more to really feel my life.
I am now feeling grief again like it’s new. Looking back I’m glad I was on the meds already when Steve died or I know I would have had a much harder time. This way the edge is taken off but….OH! I can’t quite describe this! My grief is now fresh but familiar. Maybe it was always familiar because I felt it coming at me from long ago.
Maybe I should listen to Elaine and go to the grief group. I don’t want to be with others who have such a different experience though. I would want to go to a group specifically for parents that have lost a child after a prolonged illness. I know….grief is grief. Maybe these are just excuses and what I really want is to wallow in my own grief for awhile longer.

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